You can’t lose what was not for you in the FIRST PLACE! I’m reminding myself here now too lol
Been in my feelings a lot lately about this situation yall so I gotta write about it. The gym has been getting beat the heck up cause I’ve sure been taking it out on the gym lol Anyway..
Love. Everybody wants to be able to receive it and give it whether they want to admit it or not. It’s who we are and what we come from.
You just can’t put it in a box. It seems as though everyone wants to come up with a way to define it. I know I have. I’ve always said that love is a choice. When you choose to live in love, you love regardless of how you are feeling at the moment. It just is.
But if that’s the case, why do we say you can’t help who you love if it’s a choice? Can you really just turn it off if you choose to?
It’s easy to just give it if you choose to. But what about when you want to STOP it? It’s not so easy.
My personal reality right now in my life is that I WISH I could turn it off. I WISH I didn’t care so much about something that I have no control over at all. I’ve realized that as much as I thought I had a bit of relevance to this situation..today it hit me..I really don’t.
It’s right in my face and it’s been there for months. It’s amazing that the smallest thing can come up and BAM..you’re like, “I’ve really been living in a fantasy world about this. Why did it take me so long to open my eyes instead of seeing with my heart?!”
I really hate that I even thought that anything would actually come about it. I definitely felt a deeper connection. And when it’s in black and white, you can’t assume anything anymore. It’s evident, in your face and you can even go back and read it just to reassure yourself how your emotions were wasted.
It’s amazing how powerful our minds are. Just because we are feeling a certain way, just because our perception of the situation is one way..we forget that the other person can feel a totally different way about it. Or even not feel about it at all. They can be totally oblivious and indifferent. I guess they have a right to be human, right?!
At the same time, I’m so grateful for the AHA moments when it comes to love especially before it gets any deeper. You might experience a bit of a heartbreak but you just learn. You know you’re getting closer to what is FOR YOU..and only YOU. No one can take that away from you no matter what. Sometimes we get caught up in thinking that something was wrong with us, maybe it was. But even if that is so, the person He has for you is especially for you. If the person you were dealing with leaves, or just wasn’t that into you..THEY WEREN’T FOR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! Who wants that?!
And if that is the case, how did you lose what wasn’t yours ANYWAY?! You really GAINED, a learning experience. That’s all it was.
And the saying is true..if they ARE meant for you. They will come back, just not right now. It’s true. But don’t wait, live like they never will come back. Forget about it. If it happens, it will happen no matter what.
You can’t force, just accept.
It takes me a minute to trust because I have a lot to lose. I’ve worked so hard on myself. I honor my body. I take care of my mind by feeding it positive things. I just don’t let anyone in my personal space. You don’t want a certain kind of energy invading the peace and happiness that you worked so hard for. You don’t know what people are carrying with them. There is more than meets the eye. I observe a person for a long time before I even think that they would get a greenlight. When I finally choose to be open with someone and trust them, I’m completely open. I’m already there. I think I immediately free fall. That’s just how I am.
So when I have to retract all of that, it really takes alot of energy and letting time heal it to reel all that back it. It’s draining.
Right now, I’m going through a lot of changes in every area of my life.
Physically..the health of my body and shape of my physique are changing.
Mentally..I almost feel child-like in learning so many new things. My mind is completely open.
Emotionally..I’m experiencing a lot of different emotions. My heart is in repair mode so most of yall know how that goes. But yet I know this too shall pass.
Spiritually..despite the emotional distraction, my spirit is what anchors me. My relationship with my God is the strongest it’s ever been. I am in so much peace about the way my life is going. I’m allowing Him to continue to remove what isn’t serving me any purpose. It especially hurts when it’s something you didn’t want to let go of. But I am feeling so full of gratitude for building a lifestyle that really aligns to the truth of my heart and soul.
With all that being said, with every tear, ironically there comes a smile.
I see more clear than I ever have in my life. I’m becoming so wise in my choices and content in what God wants. I know that things happen as they should whether we like it or not. That’s the way I want it, God’s will.
I trust Him so much now that I give Him total control over it all especially my heart and who I will love.
I have moments when tears just start rolling down my eyes. I can be anywhere. It happens because I have given God total control and I have to let Him be Him. When I say I surrender all, I mean it. I honor mySELF and keep my word to mySELF in making that choice.
I can easily reach out and send a text or place a phone call. But why?! That’s not my place as a woman anyway. I’ll never chase anybody but God.
I know my future love is out there..my King. I’ve kissed a few frogs in my life before you but I know it allowed me to learn and know exactly what I don’t want. You’re roaming on this earth somewhere, living a good life, chillin thinking here and there when you’ll find me. I know you’re looking so good wearing my future. I know you’ve done the work as I have and you’ll know exactly who I am when we meet. Just wanted to say HI. In the meantime, I’m going to continue to enjoy this time in my life, stay focused and productive so when our paths finally do cross, we will be adding to each others lives instead of subtracting. It will come from our own overflow of selflove and wholeness that we can pour into US.
Love you already.